3 Stupidest Things I've Ever Heard

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Dear Brain Trainers:

We are taught using metaphors, parables and "sayings." We call them sayings because someone once said them. That is not an assurance of their quality. It is just a statement of the obvious. To make things worse (or more worser yet still), the older they are, the more wisdom is to be assumed to be contained in them. And to further worsen things (to make the worst even more worser yet), the more that people say them, the truer they are. This is interesting, because apparently, there are degrees of truth -- I'll have to consult neighbor Bill Clinton regarding the particulars of this issue.

Here, for you pleasure, live (somewhat) from The Braintenance Blog Of Blockbusting Brilliance, we offer you the three stupidest things I've ever heard, excluding such conversational Moronyms as "Notary Republic," Redundons [trite, expressions spoken by members of the Order of Illiterati such as "I'll be here for the duration," and the like:

1) "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times." [mathematically ridiculous];

2) "If you had half a brain, you'd be dangerous!" [This could mean many things, none of which would make me dangerous, unless I had stolen an ossified hemisphere from the exhibit in the science lab and flung the thing at someone -- which would actually cause 'brain trauma' in both senses of the expression!];

3) "Hey. We all put our pants on the same way. One leg at a time." [This is intended to make the person being spoken to feel more self confident. It is stupid. What if I'm going to read an academic paper to a bunch of Celts? What if I'm wearing my little black party dress? And what about the time when I was an undergrad, and I won a five dollar bet by putting baby oil on my legs and jumping into my jeans from the upper bunk in my dorm room?]

Enough. Now sit back, relax and enjoy a gentle bit of philosophy, with Flickspire's wonderful video, titled, "Life Is Like Coffee": Simply click on the link below:

= LINK BELOW

Even if you disagree with the philosophy, or the simile (the cousin of a metaphor, but using "like" or "as" in its description and delivery), the acoustic guitar music is wonderful. Seriously, the music is so relaxing, and the sound quality crystal clear. Someday, when I find myself (how 'bout that one? Eh?), I would like to try my hand (there's another - is it metonymy or synecdoche? {sp?}) at producing a philosophical video. I'd give it a snappy title like "Crossing The Callosum"

Thank you, as always, for reading me, digging me, grokking me, and feeling me - and for sharing my articles (my wallet is missing! So's my pen!) with your contacts, comrades and colleagues across your social media platforms.

Douglas E. Castle

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OXYMORONS (Nowthen) - Brain Expanders

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Oxymorons are self-conflicting or self-cancelling combinations of words. They are often humorous, brief, thought-provoking (associatively) and memorable. They also help stimulate our mind's ability to freely associate and visualize with greater speed and clarity. They stimulate imagination and creativity. What's more, they're great fun at parties.

We've all heard these: JUMBO SHRIMP, AUTHENTIC REPLICA, MILITARY INTELLIGENCE, HELPFUL CIVIL SERVANT and THE WAR ON TERRORISM (more obscure, but a bit more through-provoking in terms of semantics and shades of meaning).

With the following list, read each one aloud in your mind, and when you've finished, visualize the conflicting physical images. Then:

1) See how many of them you can easily remember;

2) See how many you can remember in the sequence in which they are presented. Incidentally, this is my collection of the best of the worst of these creatures:

Stretch those neurons....let them reach out and touch one another! Here we go:

A CAPPELLA WITH MUSIC

A FINE MESS

A FOOT AHEAD

A LITTLE BIG

ABSOLUTELY UNSURE

ABUNDANT POVERTY

ACCURATE ESTIMATE

ACTIVE NEUTRALITY

ACTUAL REENACTMENT

ACUTE APATHY

ALMOST EXACTLY

ALONE TOGETHER

ALTOGETHER SEPARATE

ALUMINUM BOTTLE

ANARCHY RULES

APPARENTLY INVISIBLE

APPEAR INVISIBLE

APPEARANCE HEARING

ATHEISTIC THEOCRACY

AUNT JEMIMA LIGHT

Try the above (and we're only in the "A" category!) and work this exercise. You will
find it invigorating. I could have provided you with a far longer list, but my friend Eric always tells me that "less is more." To me, this is a blinding flash of the obvious [ahem].

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Raise Your Intelligence, Lower Your Stress - Braintenance!

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You'd like to be more intelligent, more successful, more respected and admired. You'd also like to eliminate stress, feel absolutely comfortable and be endlessly creative. In order to dso this, you must master your mind. You must train your brain. This only takes moments a day. Simply go to http://braintenance.blogspot.com/, scroll around, and use our brain gym.

Having said this, I must ask you a question: What expression is as ridiculous as "It takes one to know one."?

The answer (or at least the most popularly selected answer amongst a group of 4 people polled while I waited for my daughter at a train station) was, "The more that things change, the more they remain the same."

The first expression is childish and follows no particular line of logic. The second, however is inherently conflictory and genuinely [if analyzed] meaningless. It cancels itself out.

My personal favorite stupid, irreversible, oxymoronic expression is this classic:
"LESS IS MORE." No syllogism there. No one says it in reverse. Maybe it applies to antimatter, or to the laws of a different universe in another dimension. But have you ever heard some one say "MORE IS LESS?" Oxymoron fans, this is better than your garden-variety oxymoron -- this is truly false irony. The British have an expression that typifies this type of falsity in polite speech: They frequently say "nowthen..." at the beginning of a declaration or casual sentence fragment.

The way that I tell time, there cannot be a nowthen. It is either now, or it was then.

Forget jumbo shrimp, authentic replica, miltary intelligence, helpful civil servant, and all of the rest of the traditional exemplars of oxymoronics in common speech. The ones I've cited above warrant serious exploration. The persons using them also warrant serious evaluation.

How about the pre-emptive disclaimer of all prior things mentioned to you. Someone will say, "To tell you the truth..." Was he always lying before? A better version of the same abomination is "I'll be honest with you..."

Words are fun to play with (unless you happen to be a member of the editorial staff of The National Networker (TNNWC) Weekly Newsletter published by TNNWC). But when you've finished playing with them, please put them back where they belong.

Faithfully,

Douglas E Castle
Chairman of TNNWC Group, LLC,
Corporate Negotiator, and
Author of Braintenance

p.s. After you've read the fine print beneath this post, please see a listing of other related sites and articles which might also be of interest.
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NOTICE: This article is Copyright © 2011 by author Douglas E Castle with all rights reserved. It may be republished without permission provided that it is published in full, with all hyperlinks and exhibits left intact, and with full attribution given the author. This article does not contain or constitute medical, health, psychological, legal, regulatory, investment, securities, financial, tax, or any other form of professional advice -- the reader acknowledges and accepts this disclaimer. Further, the reader indemnifies and holds harmless both the author and all publications in which this article appears of any damages, claims, loss, responsibility or liability emerging from the reader’s utilization of any information contained herein.

About This Author: Further information regarding this author’s professional experience, expertise and service offerings can be found at ABOUT DOUGLAS E CASTLE

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Paraprosdokian - Ann Sloan, Connectrix, Introduces A New Figure Of Speech To Conceited Lout Douglas Castle

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Paraprosdokian - Ann Sloan, Connectrix, Introduces A New Figure Of Speech To Conceited Lout Douglas Castle.

The entire staff of TNNWC Group, LLC, where I serve at nominal pay as CEO and Co-Chairman, is taking pleasure in my humiliation. - DC

Dear Readers and Other Strangers:

Paraprosdokian? - On first reading Ann's email to me, I thought she might be referencing some obscure Armenian scientist, an unusual musical scale, a gland at the base of the brain stem, or a secretive religious sect (the type that Dan Brown would write about, if, in fact, Dan Brown could write -- I have read several of his books, but I cannot really call what he does "writing." His stilted dialogue and stretching of credulity do, however make for some entertaining movies, and he is now making sufficient money that he no longer has to be the [ahem] headmaster at a private boys' school).

Notwitstanding my digression (and my apparent inability to focus, as I am now thinking of Jack Black as well as Dan Brown for no reason except due to the colorful nature of their monosyllabic monikers), the term "Paraprodokian" is indeed a real word, as Ann describes in an excerpt from her letter to me, which follows, replete with hysterical examples:

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A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.



� I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

� Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

� I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



� Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

� The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
� Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

� If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

� We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

� War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
� Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

� The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

� Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.



� To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

� A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

� How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

� Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

� Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

� I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

� A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

� Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

� I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

� I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

� Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

� Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

� Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

� Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

� A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

� You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

� The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

� Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

� A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

� Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

� Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

� I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

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I humbly thank Ann B. Sloan for making my afternoon just a bit less rotten.

Faithfully,

Douglas Castle


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Oxymorons and Euphemisms

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Dear Friends:

Oxymorons and euphemisms are fascinating modes of either expressing conflictory comments, or of stating bad news or facts with minimum offense, the least emotional impact potential, or in a "silver lining" --- "But the Good News, is..." fashion. Both are great fun. Before we continue, let's be certain we know the difference:

"Civil War" is a frequently used oxymoron. "Civil Unrest" is a euphemism-tinged oxymoron. "Putting the dog to sleep" is a euphemism. "Ethnic Cleansing" is an incredibly audacious euphemism -- equating "cleansing" with "genocide" is quite a stretch.

"The People's Republic of China" is a euphemism-tinged oxymoron.

When somebody from the government or from BP (British Petroluem) speaks of the greatest ecological catastrophy in recorded history, and says, "The worst is over now. Most of the oil has evaporated or has been 'dispersed', and the waters around the Gulf are completely safe," he or she is simply a "moron." When BP takes out advertisements on television talking about, "...and BP will be here for you, and we won't leave until we make this right." --- well, that is an "insult to everyone's intelligence."

Faithfully,

Douglas Castle

From BRAINTENANCE, at http://Braintenance.blogspot.com
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