Sunday, September 26, 2010

Paraprosdokian - Ann Sloan, Connectrix, Introduces A New Figure Of Speech To Conceited Lout Douglas Castle

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Paraprosdokian - Ann Sloan, Connectrix, Introduces A New Figure Of Speech To Conceited Lout Douglas Castle.

The entire staff of TNNWC Group, LLC, where I serve at nominal pay as CEO and Co-Chairman, is taking pleasure in my humiliation. - DC

Dear Readers and Other Strangers:

Paraprosdokian? - On first reading Ann's email to me, I thought she might be referencing some obscure Armenian scientist, an unusual musical scale, a gland at the base of the brain stem, or a secretive religious sect (the type that Dan Brown would write about, if, in fact, Dan Brown could write -- I have read several of his books, but I cannot really call what he does "writing." His stilted dialogue and stretching of credulity do, however make for some entertaining movies, and he is now making sufficient money that he no longer has to be the [ahem] headmaster at a private boys' school).

Notwitstanding my digression (and my apparent inability to focus, as I am now thinking of Jack Black as well as Dan Brown for no reason except due to the colorful nature of their monosyllabic monikers), the term "Paraprodokian" is indeed a real word, as Ann describes in an excerpt from her letter to me, which follows, replete with hysterical examples:
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

� I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

� Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

� I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

� Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

� The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
� Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

� If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

� We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

� War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
� Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

� The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

� Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

� To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

� A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

� How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

� Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

� Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

� I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

� A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

� Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

� I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

� I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on I said "Implants?"

� Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

� Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

� Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

� Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

� A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

� You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

� The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

� Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

� A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

� Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

� Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

� I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I humbly thank Ann B. Sloan for making my afternoon just a bit less rotten.

Douglas Castle
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