Monday, April 12, 2010

Braintenance: Tom Swifties! - Guaranteed to make you grown.

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Tom Swifties! - Guaranteed to make you grown.
Dear Friends:
Tom Swifties are absurd and ridiculous puns based upon a liberal abuse of homonyms. Yet, they are indeed a wonderfully creative art form. It is a challenge to construct them, and a joyous braintenance exercise to read through them and find just how far the English language can be contorted by creative minds in the interest of producing statements that, on the surface, seem to make sense, but upon further inspection, are truly absurd. Ironically, both constructing and reading through Tom Swifties are vocabulary builders, and enhancers of our innate ability to see the relationships between words. The free association potential (one of the critical components of genuine intelligence) is invigorated by investing some time in Tom Swifties.
Some examples come to mind:
"I'm absolutely not a necrophiliac," Tom said half in dead earnest.
"What would like on your pancakes?" the waitress asked Tom syruptitiously .
Here is a collection of some others which you'll genuinely enjoy, courtesy of
  • "Have you ever been whitewater rafting?" Tom asked rapidly. (*2)
  • "What are these berries?" Tom rasped.
  • "I'm embarrassed," Tom admitted readily.
  • "I can see naturally," Tom realized.
  • "There it is again!" Tom recited.
  • "I've never had an accident," said Tom recklessly.
  • """Said Tom recursively," said Tom recursively," said Tom recursively" said Tom recursively.
  • "Nice looking glass!" said Tom reflectively.
  • "It's time for the second funeral," Tom rehearsed.
  • "I've gone back to my wife," was Tom's rejoinder.
  • "Superglue!" Tom rejoined.
  • "We did it twice last night," she relayed.
  • "OK, you can borrow it again," Tom relented.  
  • "I've transferred my money back into my German savings account," Tom remarked with interest.
  • "I've passed the exam this time," Tom remarked.
  • "That is remarkable," remarked Tom.
  • "I've paid my annual subscription," Tom remembered.
  • "I've gone back to using my maiden name", said Mary remissly.
  • "I'd better repeat that SOS message," said Tom remorsefully.
  • "My garden needs another layer of mulch," Tom repeated.
  • "I'm taking this ship back into harbor," Tom reported.
  • "Must I show again why this is true?" asked Tom reprovingly.
  • "I mailed it to you again," Tom said resentfully. (*2)
  • "I suppose I'll have to write my name again." said Tom resignedly.
  • "I'm not a crook," Nixon said resignedly. (*2)
  • "It's a piece of laboratory equipment," Tom retorted.
  • "My oar is broken," said Tom robustly.
  • "Balls!" Tom said roundly.
  • "I can't eat any more of this bitter herb," said Tom ruefully.
  • "What's the name of that street in Paris?" asked Tom ruefully. (*2)
  • "I've an urgent appointment," said Tom in Russian.
  • "I need a home run hitter," Tom said ruthlessly. (*2)
  • "This fowl has been stuffed," said Tom sagely.
  • "Bring me a large helping of vanilla with chocolate sauce," I screamed.
  • "So only one person arrived at the party before I did?" Tom second-guessed.
  • "I'll use my stopwatch to see how fast it moves," said Tom, seconding the motion.
  • "I won't tell you anything about my salivary glands," said Tom secretively.
  • "Would you like to buy an alarm?" asked Tom self-righteously.
  • "Would you like to buy some cod?" asked Tom selfishly.
  • "You lamb!" said Tom sheepishly.
  • "Ought I to do this?" asked Tom with a shudder.
  • "I'm going to end it all," Sue sighed.
  • "This looks like the fruit of the blackthorn," said Tom slowly.
  • "What are you taking pictures of?" Tom snapped.
  • "I'll do your conveyancing, but I'll be slow and overcharge you," said Tom solicitously.
  • "Rod sure is a spoiled little child," Tom said sparely. (*2)
  • "One of the tires just blew out," Tom said sparingly. (*2)
  • "This ocean is calm," said the sailors specifically. (*2)
  • "The optician probably doesn't have my glasses ready yet," Tom speculated.
  • "Save the whales," spouted Tom. (*2)
  • "You don't see the point, do you?" asked Tom, making a stab in the dark.
  • "Hey, you're standing on my foot!" said Tom standoffishly.
  • "What's this black stain round my mouth?" asked Tom succinctly.
  • "This tuna is excellent," said Tom superficially.
  • "Yes, I have read Gulliver's Travels," said Tom swiftly.
  • "Please don't sneeze with your mouth full, said Tom to the carpet-layer tactfully.
  • "I'm simply not a nice girl," she whispered tartly. (*2)
  • "I work at a bank," said Tom tellingly.
  • "My bid for this contract aims to please," said Tom tenderly.
  • "I have no idea," said Tom thoughtlessly.
  • "Parsley, sage, rosemary," said Tom timelessly.
  • "You shouldn't be writing elegies, young lady," the curfew told Nell.
  • "I'm going to fix the roof," Tom translated.
  • "I was adopted," said Tom transparently.
  • "I punched him in the stomach three times," said Tom triumphantly.
I hope that you have enjoyed this departure from proper use of the English language.
Douglas Castle
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