Tuesday, October 5, 2010

That "Feeling in Your Gut." - Case In Point Shared By Douglas Castle

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That "Feeling in Your Gut." - Case In Point Shared By Douglas Castle

Written by Douglas Castle for Daily Burst Of Wisdom (http://aboutDouglasCastle.blogspot.com) - Get the widget (and a choice of many others of interest) by clicking on http://www.DouglasCastleBlogosphere.com.

You are upset. This is not the first time that this particular person has disappointed you. He or she has cancelled appointments with you at the very last minute...without apologies....with brief explanations intimating that you are not as important as someone else he or she has to see or as something else he or she is has got to do. You feel degraded, you feel disappointed, but you persist because you believe that this individual has "something special" to offer you.

You find yourself putting up with things which you would previously have exploded about -- but instead of going postal, you swallow your pride, stuff your feelings deep down inside of you, and rationalize --- you telephone that person while you are in transit to an appointment with him or with her (at some pre-arranged, planned location, where you've actually made reservations for lunch or dinner, and which requires an hour-long drive from where you live), just to re-confirm (in fact, you had gotten an email back from that person just the night before, enthusiastically confirming the appointment!), only to receive a brief text message back that he or she "was just about to contact you" regarding a scheduling conflict that required that he or she be somewhere other than at your meeting.

What's more, there is no emergency cited, and no apology made. Empathy runs low in this particular contact.

You think to yourself, "If I hadn't called up, I'd have gone to that restaurant and waited for hours, wondering about what had happened." This human-shaped pile of self-righteous excrement didn't even care enough to apologize for the terrible oversight or inconvenience. 

Your intuition is screaming at you to drop this individual like a bad habit, but your rationalization persists because you do not want to trust your intuition.

Let me help you straighten this dilemma out before you invest further in watering this dead tree. Go with your intuition. Go with your gut. Don't rationalize -- things are only going to get worse as you sink deeper into a dependency on something that is either reliable or nonexistent. YOUR INTUITION IS ALMOST ALWAYS CORRECT. This person does not regard you as important enough -- and that is fatal in any relationship.

Now, let me help you with your ethics. Call this person, and lay it right on the line. Cite the charter of offenses. State your feelings. Ask for an explanation (not an apology). In fact, ask this person for his or her honest opinion -- does he or she really want to proceed with a relationship. Then, shut up. Either you will get A) an explanation (health problem, major life change, something else that is rather exceptional) with a burst of emotion and apology, or you will get B) a perfunctory apology with an equally feeble justification.

If you get the first type of response, where the dam breaks, you might just consider giving this person a second chance. If you get the second type of response, say, "Thank you for the clarification," excuse yourself, and never invest another thought or action in, about, or in behalf of this person.


Intuition is a management skill.

Asking candid questions where appropriate is a management skill.

Considering answers and responses is a management skill.

And, of course, cutting your losses to accommodate reality is a management skill, a personal skill, and ultimately, a self-esteem building exercise.


Douglas Castle


Douglas Castle
Toll-Free Telephone: 888.317.6498
Facsimile: 914.517.5944
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